When I was fifteen years old, I was a weird kid. I was undersized, still waiting for the growth spurt that would finally happen when I turned seventeen. I was a naive freshman in high school, not getting asked to school dances, not hanging with the popular kids and not knowing what normal teenage slang words meant (the look of horror on my friend’s face when I asked her what a “stoner” was is still burned in my brain).
When I was 15, I could kind of function like an adult, but was still trapped in a very child-like mindset. I was immature, in my own world and didn’t have a good grasp on the world beyond my own town. I was bookish, far preferring the company of books to people and I still enjoyed doing crafts on the weekends (that hasn’t changed). I tried and failed to run track - although I was a decent high jumper - and started to find my home in the choir room. My big claim to fame was getting Belle’s solo during our choir’s spring concert performance of a Beauty and the Beast medley.
If I had been asked to compete in the Olympics at 15, I would’ve had a panic attack.
If I had been asked to compete in the Olympics with a world-wide scandal on my shoulders, knowing that my reputation is forever tainted, and knowing that if I do my job and perform well enough to medal then it means NO ONE gets a medal, I would not be able to perform at all. I would crumple under the pressure, hide in my bed and not even bother to show my face. I’d ask my coaches to smuggle me out of the country in the dead of night so I could go home and live in my bedroom for the rest of my life.
I wouldn’t have been able to put on ice skates and attempt one of most complex routines in ice skating history. With the entire world watching, with everyone talking about me, while other teams are leaving the arena in protest right before my routine, I would’ve started sobbing and walked off the ice.
Feeling like the loneliest person in the world, Kamila Valieva took the ice anyway and skated her routine. She bobbled, she fell, but she skated.
I can’t even imagine.
As we waited for her final scores, Valieva was bawling, sitting between two coaches, both of whom were cold and not terribly consoling. When the scores came down and she placed fourth, Valieva broke down and sobbed.
A fifteen year old girl, raw and vulnerable in front of the entire world.
Then, we saw images of the medalists, all of whom were crying for different reasons. Gold medalist Anna Shcherbakova, the seventeen-year-old from Russia, was by herself in a holding room backstage, looking stunned and confused.
The silver medalist, Alexandra Trusova of Russia, was seething, angry that the gold medal alluded her in competition her yet again, even after landing FIVE quads during her routine.
The bronze medalist, Japan’s Kaori Sakamoto, was crying tears of joy.
It was one of the most indescribable scenes from a sporting event I can ever recall. I sat on my couch last night feeling so many emotions, so many thoughts racing through my head.
Let’s get a few facts out there: Kamila Valieva tested positive for a banned substance in December of 2021, meaning she should not have been allowed to skate in the Olympics at all. However, the positive test did not come to light until earlier this week. The International Olympic Committee did a small investigation and it was determined that Valieva could compete in her final event, since as a minor she was in a “protected class”. As you can guess, outrage ensued.
I want to be clear - I don’t really care about doping. I don’t. When you grow up watching wife beaters and rapists get to play football on Sundays, doping just doesn’t seem to rise to that level of egregiousness. But I’m also not an athlete and I don’t know what degree of an actual advantage you can get from doping in figure skating. I also don’t think you should be doping in general, especially not when you’re competing on the world stage. And if the rules say you can’t compete if you get caught doping, then you shouldn’t be able to compete.
I also don’t want to completely absolve Valieva of responsibility - as a world figure skating competitor, you need to know what you’re putting in your body. If you are skating for a country with a deep history of doping, you should be extra cautious about what medications, vitamins and cocktails you are consuming. But all that being said, I place a very, very small amount of blame on Valieva. I place most of the blame on the adults in the room. The adults around her wanted her to take the banned substance so her endurance could keep up with the routine they were having her skate. They seem to have covered up her positive drug test. The adults in the IOC allowed to compete, despite knowing the mental toll it would take on her.
The adults in her life failed her and she is the one who had to suffer the consequences.
We talk so much about the mental health of athletes, about how the expectations of perfection are causing these young adults to deal with crushing anxiety, depression and self-doubt. What good could it have possible done to allow this child to skate in front of the world, knowing everyone was trashing her and rooting against her? What good could it have done to allow her to skate, knowing that even if she performed well enough to get a medal, she AND her fellow medalists would receive an asterisk, not a medal? What good could it do to have the gold medal winner sitting by herself, unable to celebrate one of the most remarkable achievements in athletics? And what good could it do to have the silver medalist crying and exclaiming that she never wants to compete in the Olympics again?
Children are being allowed to compete on a world level, with the expectations of an entire country on their small shoulders. I don’t know if the IOC needs to raise the minimum age of competitors, and they skated around that question in various press conferences (pun intended). But the IOC failed here. They should not have allowed Valieva to skate on Thursday, plain and simple. Valieva should not have been put in this position, essentially being set up for failure by the IOC. My heart was broken for her as I watched her skate and I was sick to stomach seeing how devastated she was after she did not medal. I’m sick for this child who’s life will never be the same. I’m sick for the other competitors who now have to answer questions about the scandal rather than their own performances.
These children are no longer allowed to be children. The failure of the adults in the room have prevented Valieva from being a child. Her life will never be the same. She will never be able to compete without suspicion ever again. I can’t help but wonder what this is all for, and at what cost? Is an Olympic medal worth the toll it takes on the mental health of a teenager? How should the media handle this kind of story? How do we balance the empathy we have for the athlete with the condemnation of the doping? Does that balance change as the athlete gets older? These are all questions we have to wrestle with, and there are no easy answers.
What happened at the Olympics this year is unfair to every party involved. It tainted this event and tainted the lives of the women who have worked so damn hard to make it to this level. I sit here a day later feeling nothing but sadness for the athletes and profound disappointment in the adults in this situation. I always err on the side of empathy in my life, and I think we would all be well-served to do so now.
These children - and that’s what they are - need love and kindness. If the adults in their lives can’t provide that, the least we can do as a society is lift them up and help them remember their worth. Kamila Valieva is a fifteen-year-old kid; she has time to mature and grow, to hopefully move past this and live a fulfilling life. I pray she does, and I pray she is able to surround herself with adults who actually give a damn.